From My BBM

Guys, I get a lot of interesting Jokes and other Stuffs that friends send daily to my Black Berry Messenger, I feel it would be fun sharing them with you. 

PATERNITY MATTER

 Mother: Son I’m sorry I slept with someone that is not
 your dad 23 years ago. And that person is your real father.

 Son: Mum, what rubbish! How am I to deal with this?!
 You should be hanged.

 Mother: I am sorry he is my first love and i could
 not marry him cause we are of different religion. He is on the phone at the
 moment and wants to speak with his son for the first time ever.

 Son: No I am speaking to no one. Mr Alani is the only
 father i know and so will that be.

 Mother: Please don’t be so upset. Just talk to him.

 Son: Ok, I will give him a piece of my mind!
 
Phone: Morning Son, I am Mallam Aliko Dangote. I am
 your real father.

Son: Daddy! Daddy!! Daddy!!! Thank God! I always knew
 there was something special about me… Thank you mum. You are the best
 mother in the world!
 
If na you nko!!!

STD KIDS

2 kids were playing, found a used condom, took it home as a balloon and the kids mother got upset, warned them not to pick things while playing…… When the mother left, one kid said to the other why was mum so angry dat we found a ballon? & the other replied Thank god we didn’t tell her that we drank the yogurt inside ‎​=))º°˚˚˚°ºнaĦaнaº°˚˚˚°º‎​=))

T.R.A.V.E.L

For Closeness, Consider T.R.A.V.E.L Author UnknownInmate Mitchell King had a visitor, his wife. King was serving a six-year jail term in Auckland, New Zealand, for armed robbery. But his wife did not want to be away from him for that long. So they held hands and they stuck. She had rubbed her palms with Super Glue. Their newfound closeness was shortlived. And their separation was painful.This technique is not recommended for a “close relationship.” But if you want more closeness; if you desire relationships that are deeper and broader, more meaningful and longlasting, then remember the acronym “TRAVEL.”T is for TRUST: Trust is the glue that holds people together (not Super Glue). A relationship will go nowhere without it. R is for RESPECT: “Do not save your loving speeches for your friends till they are dead; do not write them on their tombstones, speak them rather now instead,” writes Anna Cummins. It’s about respecting others and letting them know that you value them.A is for AFFECTION: Sometimes affection means love. Sometimes it means a touch. Always it means kindness.V is for VULNERABILITY: Though we may feel afraid to let another too close, no relationship will go anywhere without risking vulnerability. Entrepreneur Jim Rohn says, “The walls we build around us to keep out the sadness, also keep out the joy.” And the love. E is for EMOTIONAL INTIMACY: Learn to be open. Learn to communicate freely. What kind of relationships you make are largely determined by how openly you have learned to communicate. L is for LAUGHTER: Victor Borge got it right when he said, “Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.” It’s also the most enjoyable.For relationships that can really go somewhere, just remember the word “TRAVEL” then enjoy the trip!

ISN’T IT STRANGE

Isn’t it strange how N2, 000 seems like such a large amount when you donate it as offering, but such a small amount when you go shopping?

Isn’t it strange how 2hrs seem so long when you’re at place of worship, and how short they seem when you’re watching a good movie?

Isn’t it strange that you can’t find a word to say when you’re talking to God, but you have no trouble thinking what to gossip about with a friend?

Isn’t it strange how difficult and boring it is to read one chapter of the Scriptures, but how easy it is to read 100 pages of a popular novel or magazine?

Isn’t it strange how everyone wants front-row-tickets to concerts, film house or games, but they do whatever is possible to sit at the last row in the holy gathering?

Isn’t it strange how everyone wants a place in Paradise, but they don’t want to believe, do, or say anything to get there?

Isn’t it strange how we send jokes in e-mails and they are forwarded right away, but when we are going to send messages about God, we think about it twice before we share it with others?

IT’S STRANGE, ISN’T IT?

Now that you’ve read this message, forward it to anybody that you consider a friend. Lets boost our spiritual life cos its very necessary.. I believe dis wil strengthen more than a soul…‎​

 isn’t it strange that I still felt reluctant to forward this!!

FOOD FOR THOUGHT …………….. There was this very rich Igbo man in Nnewi who had only one daughter. When the daughter was of marriage age, the father sent news around
town that all the eligible young men should come to compete in a test which would determine who was fit to marry his daughter.

On that set day, all the able-bodied young men came out. Some came with paper and biro and others with cutlasses and swords. The rich man
took them to his swimming pool and addressed the men: “ Any of you who can swim from one end of this swimming pool to the other would marry
my daughter. In addition, I‘ll give him 15 million naira, a car and a house so they can start life well. I shall be waiting to meet my son-in-law at the other side. Good luck!”

As the young men, all very excited at the prospect of winning, started taking off their shirts, a helicopter came over the pool and dropped snakes and crocodiles into the pool. Immediately all the men turned back and started wearing their shirts again. Disappointed, some of them said ”make the man go marry im pikin joo”

All of a sudden, they heard a splash in the pool. Everybody watched in amazement as one gentleman struggled his way across, avoiding the snakes and crocodiles. Finally, he made it to the other side. The rich man could not believe it. He asked the young man to name anything he wanted but the man was still panting uncontrollably.
 
Finally, he got himself and made a request saying ” make una show me the person wey push me inside this pool”
 
Moral
You don’t  know what you are capable of doing, until you are PUSHED!!!

READ THIS IT’S REALLY NICE!
Once there was a young girl who decided to take a short cut home from school. The fastest way to her house was to cut through an alley. The girl approached the alley. She saw a man as though he was waiting for someone. She said a prayer: “Dear God please lead me through this alley safe and unharmed. Amen.” The girl walked through the alley and past the man. Later on that night the girl decided to watch the news. She saw the mans mug shot from the alley guilty of murder and rape against a young girl. The police said the man told them another girl had passed through the alley 10 minutes before. They asked him why he didn’t attack the first girl. He said there was a man walking beside her. God walks with us. We deny his presences but he is always here. 95% of people will just read this and shut their phones, but be among the 5% that will read & send to friends! Pray in every situation. God is faithful. ‎​

A Man had 4 children. Government made a public announcement to the citizens dat if u have 5 children u will get 50,000 per month as aid grant to support the family.
The man told his wife subtly by way of confession: “honey, I must admit, em… i have a child with my girl friend and i am going to bring him”.
She gazed at him in shock, he could not wait but dashed out to fetch his son. When he returned, he was amazed to see just 2 of his children remaining.
He asked his wife, ” honey, where are my other 2 children?” She replied, “You were not the only person that heard the announcement, ..their fathers have taken them!”

VERY FUNNY
Rich people no go kill me o. I went with a friend to visit a very rich family in Lekki. The maid approached me and … see me see trouble o.
Question: What would you like to have? fruit juice, soda, tea, chocolate, cappuccino, frapuccino  or coffee?
Answer: Tea please.
Question : Ceylon tea, Indian tea, herbal tea, bush tea,honey bush tea, iced tea or green tea?
Answer: Ceylon tea please.
Question :  How would you like it? black or white?
Answer: White.
Question : Milk or fresh cream?
Answer: With milk.
Question :Goat’s milk or cow’s milk?
Answer: With cow’s milk please.
Question : Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?
Answer: Umm, I think I’ll just take the freezeland cow.
Question : Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?
Answer: With sugar.
Question : Bee sugar or cane sugar?
Answer: Cane sugar.
Question : White, brown or yellow sugar?
Answer: Oya, forget about the tea. Just give me a glass of water instead.
Question :Mineral water, tap water or distilled water?
Answer: Mineral water.
Question : Flavored or non-flavored?
Answer: Abeg, I think I’ll just swallow my spit!!! Which kind wahala b dis?=))=D……….

IBO SENSE

Ebuka told his Oga at the shop to wait at the gate and pick him up after his Commerce exam at the secondary school where he was registered.
Question No. 3 reads: ”Differentiate between a Warehouse and a Shop.” (20marks).

He reflected, smiled and wrote: “Warehouse is at Ojota while shop is at Alaba.” He then submitted his paper and went to meet his Oga at the gate.

Oga: Ebuka, how did it go?

Ebuka: It was so simple Oga. Question No. 3 says: Differentiate between a warehouse and a shop.

Oga: And what did you write?

Ebuka: Well, I wrote that warehouse is at Ojota while shop is at Alaba.

Oga: So is that all you wrote?

Ebuka: Yes.

Oga: Common go back and put the phone numbers and complete address, silly boy!
That’s how you get customers, !!!
Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!

SMARTNESS
A wife was sure that her husband was having sex wit d maid so she laid a trap. One evening she suddenly sent d maid home for d weekend & didn’t tell her husb. That night wen they went 2 bed, d husb gave his old story- “excuse me dear, my stomach is aching”, he then went 2 d bathroom. The wife promptly went into maid’s room, stripped and laid on d bed. She switches off d light. He came in silently n wasted no time wit words n starts sex with her since she was naked. Wen he finished d wife said 2 him, “U didn’t expect me on dis bed did u?” She then switched on d light. “No madam” said the gateman!! Moral of story: Sometimes being too smart can get u screwed.‎‎. 😥 X_X:O =)) º°˚˚нaĦaнaº

When u carry the Bible, the devil gets a headache. When u open it, he falls sick. When he sees u reading it he faints. When he sees u living it, he flees. And just when u’re about to send this, he will try and discourage u. I just defeated him!! Send this to all ur friend if u love God({})
*********************

Read till fade…‎​1)‎​​A female teacher who all the class addresses as madam was havin a problem wit a boy in her class in 3rd grade. The boy said “Madam, i shd be in 4th grade, i’m smarter than my sister and she’s in 4th grade”. The Madam (teacher) had heard enough of d complain and took d boy 2 d principal’s office. She explained evrything 2 d principal who decided 2 test d boy wit sum questns that a 4th grade should know.
Principal: What is 3+3
Boy: 6
Principal: 6+6
Boy: 12
And so on,the principal asked d boy all questns and d boy got them right.The principal then told d Madam 2 send d boy to 4th grade. Madam decided 2 ask her questns and d principal agreed.
Madam: What does a cow have four of,that i’ve only 2 of
Boy: Legs
Madam: What is in ur pants that you’ve but i dnt have
Boy: pockets
Madam: What starts wit a C and ends wit T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid
Boy: Coconut
Madam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky
The principal’s eyes open really wide,bt b4 he could stop d answer, the boy was takin charge
Boy: Bubble gum
Madam: You stick ur poles inside me. You tie me down 2 get me up, I get wet b4 u do
Boy: Tent
The principal was lookin restless
Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle wit me wen u’re bored. The best man always has me 1st
Boy: Weddin ring
Madam: I come in many sizes. Wen i’m nt well, i drip. Wen u blow me,you feel gud
Boy: Nose
Madam: I’ve a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates,I come wit a quiver
Boy: Arrow
Madam: What starts wit ‘F’ and ends wit a ‘K’ and if u dnt get it, u’ve 2 use ur hand
Boy: Fork
Madam: What is it that all men ve,it’s longer in sum men than others,the Pope doesn’t use his and a man gives it 2 his wife after marriage
Boy: surname
Madam: What part of d man has no bone but has muscles wit a lot of veins like pumpin and is responsible 4 makin luv
Boy: Heart
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and shouted 2 d Madam ‘Send the boy 2 d University!!!!!!!!!! 2 go and do masters!!!
*********

A beggar walked up to a guy in traffic chatting on his BB and said, “please have mercy on me. Give me some money!”The guy said, “sorry I don’t have money today.” The beggar said, “OK, please add me on your BB so you can ping me when you have money!”
*****

woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal lovers

and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.

Then the woman’s husband unexpectedly comes home. She hides her lover in

the cupboard, not realizing that her little boy is in there already..
The little Boy says: “Dark in here.”
The Man says :        “Yes, it is.”

Boy  : “I have a soccer ball; do you want to buy it?”
Man :        “No, thanks.”
Boy :        “My dad’s outside, I’ll call him if you don’t buy it!”

Man :       “OK, how much?”
Boy  :        “2500 dollar”
 
A few weeks later it happened again and the boy and the lover were in the cupboard together again 

Boy  :        “Dark in here.”
Man  :        “Yes, it is.”
Boy  :        “I have soccer boots.”
The Man, remembering the last time, asks the boy: “How much?”

The Boy says    :        “7500 dollars”
The Man says    :        “Fine, I will buy them.”
A few days later, the Father says to the boy: “Grab your ball and boots ,let’s go outside and have a game.”

The Boy says :  “I can’t, I sold them for 10000 dollars”
The Father says    :        “That’s terrible to overcharge your
friends like that… R10000 dollars is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess your sins.”

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The Boy says        :        “Dark in here.”
The Priest says      :        “Don’t start that sh!t again!
 THIS IS MY CHURCH NOT YOUR FATHER’S HOUSE

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