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JOKES

Hey friends, here are few jokes to make you laugh. Enjoy them:

SMART ESCAPE
An igbo man who makes caskets, was going to deliver one of his coffins when his car broke down. To meet up, he carried the coffin on his head and was heading to his destination. Some corrupt policemen accosted him with the intent of extorting him:

Policemen: hey! stop there! Where are you carrying that thing to?

His reply: I did not like where I was buried so I am relocating to a better place.

Of course, the policemen took to their heel.

HUSBANDS FOR SALE!
A store that sells husbands just opened in Marina, Lagos, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE. There are six floors and the attributes of the men change as you ascend the floors. There is, however, a catch. You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Lagos Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

FLOOR 1 – THESE MEN HAVE JOBS AND LOVE THE LORD. She smiles and goes up to the next floor.

FLOOR 2 – THESE MEN HAVE JOBS, LOVE THE LORD, AND LOVE KIDS. She smiles again and goes up to the next floor.

FLOOR 3 – THESE MEN HAVE JOBS, LOVE THE LORD, LOVE KIDS AND ARE EXTREMELY GOOD LOOKING. “Wow!” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. So she goes to the fourth floor.

FLOOR 4 – THESE MEN HAVE JOBS, LOVE THE LORD, LOVE KIDS, ARE DROP-DEAD GOOD LOOKING AND HELP WITH THE HOUSEWORK. “Oh, mercy me!” she blurts. “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the fifth floor.

FLOOR 5 – THESE MEN HAVE JOBS, LOVE THE LORD, LOVE KIDS, ARE DROP-DEAD GORGEOUS, HELP WITH THE HOUSEWORK, AND HAVE A STRONG ROMANTIC STREAK. She is so tempted to stay, but she doesn’t.

She goes to the sixth floor where the sign reads:

FLOOR 6 – YOU ARE VISITOR NUMBER 4,363,012 TO THIS FLOOR THIS MONTH. SORRY, THERE ARE NO MEN ON THIS FLOOR. THIS FLOOR EXISTS SOLELY AS PROOF THAT WOMEN ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO PLEASE. THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING AT THE LAGOS HUSBAND STORE. WATCH YOUR STEP AS YOU EXIT THE BUILDING, AND HAVE A NICE DAY!

LODGING FOR MOTHER & SON
A man and a woman walked into a guest house and requested for a room to spend the night. The owner of the guest house, Mr Collins, who is highly religious, refused to allow men and women stay together in his hotel because of fornication. The woman explained, “He is my son, not my spouse” so they were checked in. 30minutes later, Mr collins sent his cleaner to go and check if they were truly mother and son.
The girl came back and said: “Sir, she’s truly d mother.” Surprised, the boss asked, “How did u know?” The girl smiled, “Sir I am sure she is the mother. I saw her Breastfeeding the Man.”

WITHOUT TABLE
In an examination hall, a boy suddenly pushed away his table, puts his answer sheets on the floor and continued writing. Teacher asked “why are you writing on the floor?” The boy answered, “question 3 states: without using tables differentiate between the following…”

CRIME OF OMISSION
A thief broke into an insane man’s house, stole his tv and
took off. The insane man ran after him. The faster he
ran, the faster the insane man ran. Finally, he got tired and
stopped. The insane man also stopped, he stretched
out his hand and told the thief “Take this, you forgot the remote.”

COMMITTED TO RAISING COMMITTEES
The American president said to the Nigerian president: “Mr President, why are there so many Committees in Nigeria? There is Committee on Boko Haram, Committee on fuel subsidy, Committee on PHCN, Committee on plane crash, Committee on Jos violence, Committee on 2015 etc. We don’t run America like this!!” Nigerian president replied: ”Mr president, don’t worry, I will raise a Committee to look into your observation.”

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lol

An ibo man in his BMW Z8. A truck crashes into his door, he call †нє police officer, dis man just come smash off de door of ♍y BMW!! ♍y $39.000 car is now a write off!!” The police at the scene shakes his head in amazement and says, “Ʊ Ibos ® so materialistic, Ʊ didn’t even realize that Ųя hand has been ripped off with †ђǝ door!!” The guy, looks at his amputated hand σϞd screams out “Chineke!! My Rolex!!

The Invisible Driver

This is a true incident that happened in Ibadan about a month ago. A man was hitch-hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The storm was so strong that he could hardly see his feet in front of him. Suddenly a car stopped next to him. Without thinking, he got in and closed the door, just to realize that there was nobody behind the steering wheel. The car moved slowly.  He looked ahead and saw a curve in the road.  Scared, he started praying; begging for his life.  He was terrified. 

Just before hitting the curve a hand appeared through the window and turned the steering wheel. The man, now paralyzed with fear, watched how the hand kept appearing every time they got to a curve. Gathering all his courage, he jumped out and ran to the nearest lights he could see. Wet and in shock, he went into a beer parlour and asked for 2 bottles of 33.  After drinking it, he told every one of the horrible experience he just had. Everyone was silent when they realized he was crying. 

About half an hour later, two men came walking into the beer parlour and, on seeing the terrified man, the one said to the other: “Mutiu, isn’t that the idiot that got into the car while we were pushing it?”

SIN OF LYING

A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on The Sin of Lying.”

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“Change can’t be given to you every time,
You Must Bring the Change”

Great lines said by…
Mutiu Akande,
Bus Conductor.
(Now read once again to understand the ‘change’ he means)….have a great week ahead!

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